You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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