Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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