I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
