I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
