Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
