Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
