I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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