I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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