you would pick up someone in the library
what day is it and did you see me today?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
