You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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