Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
