I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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