Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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