just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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