what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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