Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
