Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
