yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
