i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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