peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
one might say we're banned from that church
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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