Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
