My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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