and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
