i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
