I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
