maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
