Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
