Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
