Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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