Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
