i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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