I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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