I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They took my balls.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
