I think I am morally bankrupt
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
