to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
