just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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