just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
