FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
