I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
