My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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