my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
