Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
