y did u give ur computer a hand job?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
