Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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