They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
