also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
