First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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