dude i'm inner monologue high
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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