his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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