If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
