I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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